Subject: please help
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1998 12:17:04 -0400 (EDT)

You guys seem real cool. I'm hoping you can help me with a tub and/or pot problem. You see, my best friend has this twin sister who's pretty wack. I mean, she likes to touch him and stuff. But that's really sick because they're brother and sister and he's really timid and she's like this crazy psycho bitch you know? So the other day my pal went to the Home Shop. I understand that you guys live in the middle of nowhere so I'll just say that the Home Shop is this awesome store where you can buy pots and pans and linnens and doormats and other cool stuff. Anyhow, he went to that cool store, just to like look arround, but ended up buying a really nice aluminum stock pot with a lid. When he paid for it at the front of the store, the cashier started coming on to him real hard. This isn't so weird because my friend is a real hunk. His own sister is real hot for him too. So he set up a date with the girl from the store just so she would leave him alone and went home with the pot. His nutty sister knew something was up right away and started beating the crap out of his new stock pot. After awhile some nice people came and took his sister away because they said she wasn't "normal." He didn't tell them about how she liked to come into his room while he was sleeping and suck on his thighs but he did mention how she beat the crap out of his new stock pot. I'm wondering what you guys think my friend should do. Please help me and my good friend.

Larry Kneibner

Subject: are you still there?
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1998 11:43:34 -0400 (EDT)

Did you think that you had responded to my email? Because you didn't, or maybe it got lost? Anyhow, things are the same for the most part except for Linda (that's my pal's sister's name) is getting even nuttier every day. She has even taken to writing me really weird and sick letters because her brother has stopped writing her at all. What can I do?

waiting to hear from you guys,


Sorry for taking awhile to respond, weirdo. We most certainly did not misplace your answer... we were simply uh... deep in thought re: your buddy's problem. SOOO... it seems that our crack team of "kooky-twin-sister-is-fuct-in-the-head" experts needs a little more to work with.
Could you send us a few transcripts of her weird and sick letters?
We also happen to specialize in those too!
Will wonders never cease?
Anyhow, we anxiously await said correspondence and the oportunity to get to the bottom of your stockpot problem.

Yours in service,

Subject: Hi again
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 1998 09:56:22 -0400 (EDT)

Linda got out of the Resting Place. (That's the name of the place they took her.) She wasn't "let out" actually. She bit an orderly's throat, killing him, and ran to the woods. She had such a good head start that they didn't catch her for awhile. She was trying to get to her brother. I got rid of her letters before I got your email. Around the same time they stopped allowing her to write those sick letters. Before they cought her, she called my house to talk to me I guess, but I wasn't home, and my mom picked up. So the closest I can get to a transcript is for me to try to share with you what my mother shared with me. Here goes. "I..eeengh. wanthrentAH! fuck fuck... not no!! NO!!!" or something like that. I hope this helps you help me help my friend.

Get back to me!


Hello hello hello?
Are you all deep in thought again?
I am waiting again.

-Larry Kneibner


Our research regarding your situation has culminated with this great conclusion:

You are indeed a fruitcake.

Our only recommendation is for you and your whole wacked-out crew to check yourselves in to a place such as "the Resting Place" - or preferably somewhere even more lax on security. The prospect of you bozos going for eachothers' throats with kitchen utensils sends us reeling with laughter. Please, keep us informed. (not)


Certified Tub and Pot Expert

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