A philosopher of modest recognition once said, "toast to freshness". His quote, although most readily applied to more festive occasions, is universal and can be taken literally within the realm of baking. The philosopher, Morginpleese, wrote ample volumes pertaining to the joy of toasting. In his most acclaimed work, "Toasting for Sex", he describes how one can lure a woman of most desirable proportions to your mojo by using a toast.

With Morginpleese's thoughts in mind, we digress to the present. Our issue: bagel toasting. Although the bagel was a bit after Morginpleese's time, he made reference to the most effective route in bringing a woman to orgasm. From this work, we can derive that bagels are toasted most effectively between 375 and 400 degrees for approximately 5 minutes. After this time it is important to remove the bagel from the oven, with some sort of protective device. Morginpleese referred to this as a "sheath of ineptuity". He also stated by using this device correctly one could eliminate future external discomfort. The bagel is most pleasantly devoured when garnished with cream cheese or butter. Once again Moreginpleese refers to "creaming your piece", as if to say, this is what makes the whole bagel toasting worthwhile.
 
-Pete Schwartz